Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Walt Disney and Starbucks as characters in a short story

He walked through the dense lush forests of the amazon. Searching. With his fireman pants pulled up tight and his frayed cross-stiched bathrobe tight around his body. He breathed deeply into his gas mask and looked deeper into the forest. He was close now. His right hand shuffled into a satchel that one carried around their waste and pulled out a large metallic box with lots of flashing lights and knobs on it. A small screen showed a red dot that was very close to a blinking blue dot.
“Very close I am” He muffled to himself
“What are you close too?” An excited voice called from beside him
“Ahh” The man said his sombrero almost falling off of his head.
“What are you scared off? Was it me? I hope it wasn’t me because I didn’t want to scare you I just wanted to help you. My name is Walt and I like helping people and going on adventures. Do you like going on adventures. Because I think adventures are FABULOUS. What’s your name?” Walt said excited with a zany look in his eyes.
“I was scared but am currently not. I do like adventures and my name is Buck. Who are you?”
“Buck you say wow that’s amazing. You could even say it’s fabulous. Where are you going and where have you come from. I am a unicorn and I live in this forest?” Walt happily said as he pranced around Buck
“I came from a faraway land. I am searching for a particular artifact.” Buck said nonchalantly as he shuffled his bright yellow crocs on the ground.
“OHHHH interesting, what does this artifact do, is it shiny, does it help you find princesses?” Walt said as he rubbed his back on a tree
“No it doesn’t help you find princesses it is an artifact that allows you to change any type of clothing into something else. It is the ultimate clothing modifier.”
“Wow that is fabulous. Well lets go find the artifact then.”
“According to my MSP8990 the latest in artifact tracking technology the artifact should be just at the edge of this forest.”
“Fabulous. I’ve been to the clearing thousands of times but I never looked for an artifact before lets go.” Walt said as he pranced around Buck one more time and then led him through the dense jungle
A couple minutes later they excited the forest into a huge clearing and in the middle of the clearing was an enormous oak tree that dominated the clearing.
“My tracker is pointing towards the oak tree it must be near it” Buck commented
“The oak tree is fabulous because its magic and it protects all the nice forest creature from all the bad ones. It also has a really weird branch that sags down and I have never found out why.” Walt said as he leapt over Buck

Buck ran over to the tree almost losing his bathrobe in the process and examined the lower hanging branch. He pulled out a short wand from the tree and exclaimed
“Found it. Found it I have. I can change any clothing apparel. Now all people will respect my fashion. They won’t say that my color schemes or that my style will clash.”

“Yay you found it. Now everyone will be fabulous even though I think your clothes are really weird but it doesn’t matter because you’re fabulous.”

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Exxon Meets Kryptonite: A Sequel by Lenitschka

Tonight's Game (which was focusing on what to do when you get stuck story wise): Take an old story. Come up with 12 ideas of where it could go. Choose one, write a page.

Pop cans weren’t her favourite, but they did in a pinch. Exxon Valdez knew she wasn’t supposed to. She knew she had promised her psychiatrist, her boss, her mother and her husband that she would take her pills and stop trying to eat every bit of metal that came along, but this was just a treat; a reward for eating regular human food all week. She ripped apart the Pepsi can and popped the tab into her mouth.

Her fingers ran over the sharps edges as she walked home. The jagged edges cut her tongue, yet somehow, when she reached home she had eaten so much of the Pepsi can she was craving a second helping. The house was empty when she got there, so she ran to the recycling bin, digging out the empty soup cans Mobil had thrown out after dinner last night. She wouldn’t eat the lids. Mobil was right, those were too sharp, but the can itself wasn’t. She grabbed one with the label ripped off and started gnawing as she flipped on the tv, letting the six o’clock news serve as background noise as she put water to boil and started slicing tomatoes. Mobil would want pasta for dinner. She would eat a few bites and sneak down for a real meal later.

“Campbell’s is doing a product recall after a local plant found green rocks had been mixed in with their can production” the news anchor said. “The rocks are from an unknown origin and it is doubtful eating the food contained in the contaminated cans will cause serious harm, but consumers are being urged to return all of the following products until Campbell’s can ascertain what the green rocks are.”

The news anchor went on to list a number of canned soup varieties. Exxon turned on the blender and missed the whole thing. She hummed to herself as she sliced tomatoes, tossed them in the blender and chewed on her tin can. By the time the tomatoes were pureed, it was time for the weather. Looked like rain tomorrow and Mobil’s golf game would have to be cancelled. Exxon made a mental note to stay out of the garage until she could think of a better way to make her husband’s golf clubs look unappetizing. Recycled soup cans were one thing. Mobil’s Titleist putter was quite another.

Exxon lifted the lid off the pot. A cloud of steam met her face as she looked down into the boiling water. Absently, she felt around on the counter for the spaghetti noodles. With impressive force, the box of noodles snapped into her hand as if they had a mind of their own. Exxon pulled back and stared. Had the spaghetti just, had she just . . . . no way, that would be too weird.

She looked at the blender and held out her hand. It sped towards her so fast it spilled half the tomatoes on the way there. Exxon stared at the blender, then at the tin can on the counter, the Campbell’s soup can, with her teeth marks all over it.


She raced to her computer, and Googled “Campbell’s product recall.”

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

VP (Student Life), by Dima



Ew
students
greasy hair
greasy chair
greasy underwear
ew
kill me
kill me now
make a pyre of introduction to cognitive development and computer speech technology: a primer and set it alight and throw me on top and kill me
books
so many books
not good books
not hunger games
not artemis fowl
just wide sargasso sea and nectar in a sieve
ew
kill me now
so great a pleasure taken hostage and made perversion
student res
student says
for better food vote chad for prez
Res
ew
burning
every crotch on parker 4th floor
burning
a practical education in community health
and psychology
take half a semester of abnormal psych 349
and everyone's prescribing herself ssris
spouting half-understood pop psychology on the damaging effects of profs' unprofessional behaviour
unprofessional behaviour made a profession
in this dark place
student labs
student abs
did i mention students getting crabs?
antifreeze
on frozen quads
summer's gentle breeze
and gorgeous bods
reminds me that if i follow my heart
i will be alone forever

ew!

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

The Lonely Bubonic Plague by Lenitschka

None of the other diseases
Want to play with me.
I am hurt by
Avoidance
Because I am the Plague

Smallpox says I am too ugly
That’s saying something
He is gross
Pock-marked
His nickname is not Death

Greatpox is the popular kid
He has all the friends
Everyone’s pal
Syphillis
He spreads by love, not rats

Typhoid says I am dull and lame
He is from the tropics
They forget my
Ancestry
Heralds from over seas

They taunt, they tease, they ridicule
Calling me Black Death
Disliked I am
Loneliness
Leprosy stays my only friend

Bad Poetry - The Worst One (by Sasha)



Board Games
Twas night when
The players
Turned to the board
A simple game
A game
Of destiny
To which
Their destinies
Would be aligned
And then
They shall be
Determined
One could say
One might say
One could possibly
In a small corner of the mind
Dark
Corner of the mind
Make an assumption
A misunderstanding
A grievous
Error
Over the course
Of the great
The powerful
The mighty
The mysterious
The one and only Game
Or simply over
The course
Unknown and unfamiliar
Full of twists
Of turns and exits
And freeways that go nowhere
Spiralling through the desert
In rural Arizona
Of the greater
The larger
The more beautiful and more incomprehensible
Life
The error
The sin
The absolutely
Unforgiveably irreparable
Mistake
Would be to think
To ponder
To imagine even
That the game
The board
The players
The air
The night
The story
Were not irrevocably
Completely unequivocally
Unchangingly
As the sun remains
Fixed in space
In the Void
In the emptiness
With us
Revolving around it
As are
We
Tied
To this the one
The only
The mysterious
The mighty
The Game

Avocados

Avocado

O worthy avocado!
Ridged, dark skin
Hides a verdant core within
O great avocado!
With ease do you I swallow
Until my throat does hit
Your sturdy core, the pit.
I gag, I sputter
My heart all-aflutter
My fate is sealed
I should have pealed

You, o great avocado.

--Z