From the Desk of the CCCC, by Dima

The task: to write something - anything - other than a short story.
The prompt: shown below.
The source: http://www.crimescene.com/suicide/evidence.autopsy.php

Office of the CCCC (Cafe Chi County Coroner)
DATE and HOUR AUTOPSY PERFORMED: 12/12/2013; 10:45 AM by Dallin Mendenhall, BA 9018A 94 Street Edmonton AB  T6C 3V4 780-216-1180	Assistant:  Elena Redd, BCmm Full Autopsy Performed
SUMMARY REPORT OF AUTOPSY
Name:  ELK, F.N.U.	Coroner's Case #:  2013-008
Date of Birth:  Unknown	Age:  5
Race:  Elky	Sex:  Male
Date of Death:  29/11/2014	Body Identified by:  Ms. Innocent Bystanding Cougar
Case #  001294-23E-2013	Investigative Agency:  Fish and Wildlife Officery
EVIDENCE OF TREATMENT: 1)      Yellow Class 2 Environment Canada tag, right ear 2)      Frozen solid EXTERNAL EXAMINATION: The autopsy is begun at a quarter to eleven on the morning of December 12, 2013.  The decdent is presented in the back of a Fish and Wildlife pick-up truck, a lifted Dodge Ram 2500 with a Metal Mulisha sticker in the back window.  The body is in two pieces, a gnawed, separated hind leg, and the rest of the deceased.  The hair is whited by frost, and the flesh and carcass is solid due ostensibly to long exposure to sub-zero temperatures.  The girlfriend of the truck owner is an attractive brunette, approximately 5 feet and 9 inches tall, sporting long hair in loose curls and dressed in a yellow hoodie and lululemon yoga pants.  As noted before, the deceased’s right ear has been tagged with an Environment Canada marker.  Skin and bone both present gnaw marks, and flesh shows evidence of tearing by feline claws.  The truck owner, a Mr. Ewan Thropp of Bon Accord, Alberta, describes a cougar he saw prowling the territory near the victim, and quickly indicates that the cougar could be the reason for the demise of the animal.  I am a professional and do not rush to assumptions, so I will completely ignore his comments and refocus my attentions on the decedent and the attractive female specimen. Ms. Redd performs a close-up inspection of the separated limb and declares it to to be “gross, bloody, and disgusting”.  We will send the limb to the laboratory for confirmation of these findings. The rest of the body, so far as I can pry the frozen mass apart, shows no trauma, injury, or apparent sign of attack, aside from the front right kneecap being entirely and horrifically shattered by a hunter’s bullet.  As external examination reveals no reason the elk could not have made it safely home to the Mrs. for a hot cup of tea before bed on the 29th of November (which is the last date completed in the deceased’s day planner, thus conclusively establishing date of death), we rule out accidental death. INTERNAL EXAMINATION: HEAD--CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM: The head appears elky in form and displays unexpected solid, pokey growths from the top of the skull.  The brain seems to still be inside the head as there are no signs of exit from the ears. SKELETAL SYSTEM: Absence of casts or slings indicates no broken bones.  As we performed dissection, Ms. Redd called dibs on the wishbone.  I am unaware of whether elk have wishbones.  Bones appeared off-white, with some blood that made me queasy and caused me to have no desire to investigate further. RESPIRATORY SYSTEM--THROAT STRUCTURES: The oral cavity shows no lesions. Petechial hemorrhaging is present in the mucosa of the lips and the interior of the mouth.  Snow and ice are to be found a significant way down the mouth and esophagus, showing the elk had a sweet tooth with a particular fondness for ice cream treats, but a bad habit of not properly swallowing before taking the next bite. The lungs weigh: right, 4.2 kilograms; left 5.3 kilograms. Unable to identify red, muscley mass that clings to the left lung.  Appears to be a very bloody organ of some sort. CARDIOVASCULAR SYSTEM: No evidence of cardiovascular system found. GASTROINTESTINAL SYSTEM:  The stomach contains very little undigested food, which is unsurprising as ice cream melts very quickly once inside of you.  Stomach walls and opening of intestines have a squishiness factor of 87. URINARY SYSTEM: Gross. TOXICOLOGY: Sample of right pleural blood and bile are submitted for toxicologic analysis. SEROLOGY: A sample of right pleural blood is submitted in the EDTA tube. Routine toxicologic studies were ordered. LABORATORY DATA Completed by Scott Horne, Ninja on Thursdays Cerebrospinal fluid culture and sensitivity: Gram stain: Unremarkable.  Not worth engaging in combat on a Thursday. Culture: Not enough to warrant nunchucks. Separated Limb:  Not that gross after all.  He has seen worse, and Ms. Redd is just a wimp. Attractive Female:  Confirmed attractive specimen. Toxicology:  Unusually high proportion of midi-chlorians Familiarity:  Mr. Horne has not seen this elk on Thursday, but more importantly, the elk did not see him on Thursday.  No one ever sees him. EVIDENCE COLLECTED: 1. One (1) trembling aspen poplar branch, stuck to the bloody leg. 2. Testimony from Ms. Cougar that she has no idea how the elk died and she was just happy to help in identifying the body to Fish and Wildlife Officers and was definitely not hanging around for a tasty treat.  How very kind of her. 3. Bullet, lodged in front limb.  Discarded as it likely has no relevance to case. 4. One (1) phone number from attractive brunette.  Score. 5. Samples of Blood (type O+), and brain tissue (type gooey). 6. One postmortem CT scan.  To be completed at a future point, if I have time. 7. Four (4) chunks of ice, pulled from hair and flesh. OPINION Time of Death: Body temperature, witness testimony, Royal Elks day planner, and absence of stomach contents approximate the time of death between 7:30 PM on November 10th, 2013 and this morning a 9 AM. Immediate Cause of Death: Asphyxia due to over-consumption of ice cream treats. Manner of Death: Homicide Remarks: Right ear piercing conclusively demonstrates the decedent to be a homosexual.  Death as result of a revolting hate crime then seems obvious.  Probable perpetrators are roving mobs of Italian gelato vendors, known for having both access to ice cream treats and disdain of effeminate males.  Body would have then been stashed in a snow drift that crusted over.  Leg probably wrenched free as Fish and Wildlife Officer tried to free the body from the mound of ice.  Note: investigate truck owner for connections to gelato mob; mode of transportation indicates possible sympathizer with mob ideals.  Mutilation of front right leg probably related to body modification experiment gone wrong, noting proliferation of such among young elk these days. Also concluded that attractive female is dissatisfied with current relationship. //Dallin Mendenhall, BA Cafe Chi County Coroner's Office December 12, 2013