The musty
smell of damp Earth was everywhere, it was in Little Ed’s clothes; it was in
his hair; it permeated his nostrils every waking moment and every sleeping
second. The drip-drip and trickling jangle of running water, the life blood of
the forest, was a constant reminder of the exile he now found himself in.
“‘Go to the
Cave,’ she says, ‘think about what you’ve done’ she says.”
His the smell of the cave and the jangle of
the water had nearly drowned out the memory of why they had even fought –
Little Ed vaguely remembered something about horses and “not in the castle,”
but that was about it. The Little Red-Headed Princess, queen to be, his wife,
had kicked him out for an indefinite amount of time. Or, as she liked to put
it, “And don’t you dare come back until you can tell me your sorry!” Whenever
that would be…
But now he
was sick of it. He hadn’t had to work this hard for food and shelter back at
the cherry tree farm (he shuddered at the memory), and he was starting to miss
the castle… and his wife too… possibly… Either way, there had to be some way to
get back into her good graces and be happy again.
“Oh no,” he
groaned, “Not another quest!” Exasperated, he packed up the branches he’d been
sleeping on (he’d just gotten the perfect butt mold in the pine needles and her
wasn’t about to let that go) and set out east for the nearest town. Then he
realized he’d been completely turned around, turned around and headed west, and
then actually arrived at the nearest town. There was a wise woman there,
someone he could ask for advice about his situation, and he was determined to
get this quest over with as quickly as possible. The last one took way too
long…
But the wise
woman wasn’t home.
So we went
to the barber, and decided he would get cleaned up and go ask his wife what she
wanted and how he could get back into the castle. When he told the barber of
his situation, the barber stopped cutting his hair, grabbed a chair, sat down
and looked him straight in the eye as he said: “You don’t know much about women
do you?”
“Well,
she’s the only one I ever loved, and we got married when we were thirteen, so
like… I guess maybe I could possibly conceive how I perhaps might be a little
remiss on feasibly knowing how to deal with a woman. Perchance.”
So for the
sake of time, let’s just say that Little Ed got a lot of really good advice
about how to apologize and to accept the blame for things even he didn’t
totally understand what was going on, and how to bring home a present whenever
he had made some terrible mistake.
“What was
the last romantic thing you and your wife did?”
“Romantic?”
“Oh boy…
OK, what was the last really fun thing you did together?”
“Well, we
killed the One-Eyed-One-Horned Giant Purple-People-Eater. Well, she did, but I
was on hand for assistance if she needed it.”
“Well then
bring something home that reminds her of those times together.”
“OK…”
“Hey, how
about this, there’s a legend about a special sword that was crafted out of the
heart of a fallen star. I hear it’s in the land of the Tuning Forks.”
So with
only half a haircut, Little Ed set out for the land of the tuning forks in
search of the special sword. Yeah, except one thing about special items in the
Kingdom of Cherrypop: they’re always guarded by ferocious creatures that like
to eat people. You’d think the barber would have mentioned that but no… Little
Ed was going to have words with the barber when he got back, but little did he
know that the barber wouldn’t be there when he got back… it was being turned
into a boutique and salon next Thursday.
After
arriving in the land of the Tuning Forks, Little Ed asked around about the
special sword, but was met only with fear and loathing at every turn. So he was
all like “fine! I can find it myself!”
But he
didn’t. He actually ended up finding his brother Eugene, the one they had lost
in the Caves of Concantenations of Diabolical Rascality.
“The sword?
Oh yeah bro, that thing is totally guarded by the Tooth Gnasher, over by the
Cave of Meh.”
So off he
went, until he realized that he didn’t have anything to slay the monster with,
so he went back and asked his brother what would kill the Tooth Gnasher.
“Oh yeah
bro, you gotta burn it, like, with fire bro.”
So Little Ed
gathered up a lot of wood and oil, and wound his way down into the Cave of Meh.
Epic Battle ensues.
Little did
Little Ed know, but the Cave of Meh was an abandoned coal mine. So all that oil
and wood? Yeah, lit the whole place on fire. Word is that it still burns to
this day…
So Little
Ed managed to grab the sword out of the Tooth Gnasher’s grip before the huge
explosion set the whole place a fire, and Little Ed returned to his wife with
her present. Turns out the sword was special – it quaked like a duck every time
you swung it. But the Little Red-Headed Princess was just happy to have her
prince back.
“I heard
all about what you went through in the land of Tuning Forks, and I thought that
was just so brave and so romantic. I’m so glad you’re home I don’t even want
the sword!”
So Little
Ed held onto it for a while and gave it to his mom for Mothers-Day. He and the
princess spent the rest of their days adventuring and killing monsters (in
between their king and queenly duties), and his mother was delighted with such
an unusual gift.
The End
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