Dear BA in English
Graduate,
Farms are not very
interesting places. I have no idea why it’s been decided that so many epics
should start here. I could easily provide the same services in a palace, or
perhaps in a grand hotel, but NOOOO, epics begin with simple homespun farm kids
to make them more, well, for lack of a better word, more epic, and so I have
waited here.
You should also know
that barns are horribly drafty places. There really is no where suitable to get
a full eight hours of sleep, which makes me cranky and ineffective in my work.
Straw doesn’t really taste that good. It disagrees with me, and then there’s
the noise! The sheep are the worst. Do they ever shut up? Well, as someone who
has spent more than one night trying to get their beauty sleep in the next pen,
let me tell you. They. Never. Stop. Ba-ing.
This whole producing
milk thing isn’t that comfortable either. I’d say more on the matter, but I
don’t think it would suit polite company.
Please don’t
misunderstand me, I love my role. I like that heroes come to me with trust in
their eyes before they leave their simple farms in forgotten little mountain
towns and disappear into the forest with
parcels tied to sticks and naïve smiles on their faces. I like that they
misinterpret how to use my magical powers and get into further scrapes, and I
simply love it when I get to be the lynch pin and bring down my good friends
Giant or Hairy Beast. They have good stories and sometimes even smash this
infernal barn, but I am not a happy bovine. I am trapped between two worlds. I
must both be simple to suit the farm world and ethereal to suit the mystical
world.
How does one act
ethereal with droopy eyes? I never have been able to figure it out. Also, how
does one stay in a positive professional relationship with chickens? Having
superpowers is much less cool when you are large, slow, have dopey eyes, and
sound like a zombie when you try and say hello.
It is for these reasons
I think you should reconsider my application to transfer from Magical Cow to
Magical Chihuahua. I understand that dragon is out of the question. Not enough
heroes keep them as pets, but the amenities of a lap dog would be much more to
my taste.
Thank you for your
consideration. I love forward to meeting you in person so we can further
discuss how to make my position more suitable.
Sincerely,
I love this. Just saying
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