Help Wanted, by Dima

January 20, 2015

Fortescu the Formidable

9^th Boulder, Whimsy Way

East Grummaria, Lindia

The Pope

Papal Chambers

3^rd Floor, Western Terrace Tower

Vatican City 9007889

RE:  COMPETITION NO. 765A – CAPTAIN OF THE SWISS GUARD

Dear the Pope,

The Holy See is seeking a motivated go-getter and loathsome sub-human to serve as the next commander of the Vatican Security Forces.  I am confident that my experience as a battle-hardened general in the insurgent LHA (Lord’s Halfling Army) makes me the ideal candidate to fill this position.  Not only am I motivated and decidedly non-human, but I frequently demonstrate the characteristic of keeping my musky odour to a merely nauseating (rather than incapacitating) level.  In short, I’m the man you need.

Your Popeliness, I am aware of the Swiss Guard admission requirements posted on your website.  A recruit must be a Swiss citizen, a Roman Catholic faithful, of a good moral ethical background, once a student of the military school in Switzerland, between 19 and 30 years old, at least 174 centimeters tall, in possession of a professional diploma, and unwed.  I am none of these.  But, as Your Popeliness has made abundantly clear, the Church is in the midst of change, and I believe that that change must extend to the Swiss Guard.  And besides, when you see my leet melee skills in my video resume (enclosed), you won’t be able to resist me.  My prowess with the Hammer of Kneecapping is unmatched, and I am eager to bring this exciting and novel method of defense to the Pope’s personal guard.

I have big plans, O Popely One, and big ambitions.  For example, one of my first acts as Captain of the Swiss Guard will be to replace the outdated piper outfits, currently the Guard’s province, with my own patent leather armour.  Not only will this strike new fear (or disgust) into the hearts of the heathen ne’er-do-well, but I am aware, thanks to my sources, of your own personal taste for such apparel.  I think it’s clear that the Vatican needs me, and I am ready to offer my services to your venerable institution.

I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.  At your convenience, I can be reached by floating a message in a bottle down the Wizened River until it reaches East Grummaria, or by Twitter, @fortescugoeshalfsies.

Yours in catholicyness,

FF

Fortescu the Formidable

P.S.  Do you know Bradohn Scratchy-beard of the Deep Cave Clan?  Someone told me you might, and I’m trying to track him down because he owes me a lot of money.  So, yeah, anyway, let me know.