Mwahaha! I have done it! Look at me! No, wait, don’t look at me I’m not ready. Gah! Why is this part even necessary?
I don’t understand why ALL villains must monologue. It doesn’t make any logical sense. Of course, being a villain is not the most logical thing either, or so you’d think. But the problem is I suck at EVERYTHING. I sucked at being a hero, and now that I finally have my epic moment of triumph… I can’t get the monologue right!!!! Why am I here? I could give reasons from my childhood... NO. You don’t want to know. Granted, you don’t really want to know any of this, you’re just plotting your escape. Speaking of which, I’m supposed to tell you that escape is futile right? Whatever, have I wasted enough time yet? Can I get on with my plan? Oh! There’s a thought, my plan. I have to tell you how devious it is, and how much more complicated it is than need be. Hmmm. This would be a lot easier if it wasn’t so simplistic. On second thought, no, I won’t tell you that. It is too embarrassing. Next on the list, Ah yes, how the plan is unstoppable. Well that is complete crap, it could be stopped quite easily if… Oh no! How could I forget! I’m supposed to have a count down. Dang it, I am so sorry, I completely forgot… which means, it already happened? What?!?!?! I succeeded? But the heroes always win! What is this madness??? I was supposed to monologue, and then the hero would save the day. Why do I suck at everything???? Oh! I was supposed to demand something in exchange for my hostage too. Oops. And to think of all the chaos I just caused, and I can’t even enjoy it properly because I just suck as a villain. I give up. I’m just going to leave now, and no, I won’t tell you where I’m going. Or wait, no, I will. I am not going to plot my next act. I am going to go to bed, after I eat some ice cream to sooth my depression because I suck at life.
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